Family

Oy vey. I was recently reminded about my own salad days as a young wife when I witnessed a young couple speaking about their engagement to an older woman. The woman was delighted at the news of their upcoming wedding, grasped them both by the shoulder, and cheerfully asked them when they were going to have a baby.

The young man went wall eyed. The young bride looked for a moment as if she'd swallowed water down the wrong pipe. The cheerful woman was oblivious.

I felt complete sympathy for those two; I endured that question several times from my then-husband's family during our engagement, and twice more on our wedding day. I didn't understand why his people were so adamant that we "start a family" so soon and wondered if they expected us to conceive during our reception. Later, I asked my newly minted husband why his family were so intent on baby-making. He blushed red and said that so far, of his generation, we were the first couple to be married without a baby already on the way.

"...Ah," I said, and turned to face forward as we drove to our honeymoon destination. "I see. So we broke 'tradition.'"

Flash forward eight years, after a divorce, and I went into almost total recall when I witnessed the moment of discomfort from the two lovers. I snapped out of it a moment later and had to chuckle; I know myself much better than I did when I was their age, and knew I'd have some tongue-in-cheek retort for the well meaning lady. Poor soul.

I still wonder why people refer to having children as "starting a family" when two people are already married or promised to each other. Are not the couple already a family? I know I would consider someone to whom I committed to be part of my family, even more so than some relations-by-blood. If or when a child is born it only makes that family larger, stronger, more sweet, but it doesn't lessen what the devoted couple already had together. From there they can only grow.

The traditional family is long gone, and indeed, if one reviews history it was largely a myth, a product of the nuclear era. The husband-wife-2.8 children-and-a-dog is not nor has ever been the only formula for families. Growing up, I knew children with one family, two families, step- and half- and adopted siblings who were closer to them than blood, more cherished. I knew single parents, parents with extended families, and in one case, a parental team of three living in the same house. I knew families that consisted happily of two live-in lovers who chose to not get married, nor have children, but it didn't mean that they were familyless.

What does matter, however, is that love exists. That is a better foundation for a family than blood or documents or contracts, religious or secular, with children, without children, or expecting children in the future.